A potential buyer told me my pitch emails sounded like a robot reading a list

I sent out about 20 cold emails for my freelance web design work last month and got zero replies. I was ready to give up, but I asked a friend who runs a small business to look at my template. She said, 'This reads like a robot reading a list of features. It's all 'I do this, I do that.' Where's the person?' That hit hard. I looked at my old template and she was right. It was just a block of text about my skills. I changed it completely. Now, I start with one line about a problem I saw on their current site, like 'I noticed your contact page loads a bit slow on mobile.' Then I ask a single question about their goals. I keep the whole thing under five sentences. My reply rate went from zero to maybe one in ten, which feels huge. Has anyone else had to strip their pitch down to just one human-sounding observation?

3 comments

3 Comments

lucashenderson10d ago

My old template was all about my portfolio and awards. A client finally told me it felt like a resume, not a conversation. Now I just mention one specific thing I liked on their site and ask if they've ever thought about changing it. The difference is night and day.

wade_dixon10d ago

Wait, a client actually told you that?

maryr4310d ago

Actually, it was my friend who runs a business who told me, not a client. She looked at my template before I ever sent it. Getting that outside eye BEFORE you hit send is so key. It saved me from sending more robotic emails.